Touching and Touched
by Lhflu
Summary: Story 4 of 4 in a series. What is that bond between Kirk and Spock? Contains references to both TOS and Star Trek 2009. Slash.
1. Chapter 1

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Hey, JT, do you have a minute? Or a few hours to spare for your 'little brother'?

Yeah, I'd like to talk to you. We need to talk about Spock, my Spock.

Okay, okay, I know. Yeah, I have a lot of explaining to do. That's why I want to talk to you. It's been a few months since we brought you here and you've had some time to settle in. I figured now was a good time to clear some things up.

Trust me, you want to hear what I have to say. I promise that I will tell the truth and only the truth. I owe that to you and Savid, for all that you've done to try to help us. But I have to do this in my own way, ok? If you'll be patient, I'll make sure you understand all of it. I don't want any more misunderstandings. Because this whole situation with Spock seemed to be one misunderstanding after another.

So let me start at the beginning.

The beginning was as simple and as complex as the two of us. To me, it was just a touch. To Spock, well, it was his future.

It happened the day before we met you. We were here, on New Vulcan, helping out with the computer and security grid installations. It was around dinner time and I was over by the Hall of Elders waiting for McCoy when Spock came by. I had been waiting for Bones to finish programming the new med computers in the hospital when Spock came flying out of Sarek's house, looking like he had been punched in the gut.

Yeah, something was bugging him. Even I, the naive captain of two months who barely knew his crew, could read the pain on that normally neutral face. As if that weren't enough, he was walking toward me as if he were in a parade march. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. It was that stride that said 'don't mess with me, I have someplace to be.'

I couldn't leave him alone when he looked like that.

I'm sure Savid told you by now that Spock and I hated each other when we first met. And I do mean *hated*. He was the one who devised our Kobayashi Maru. Yeah, I cheated too. So Spock despised me for fucking with his precious test. I hated him for not seeing the brilliance behind my solution to the damned thing. Yeah, funny, isn't it, given that your Spock wasn't involved with the test until much later? I seem to have the early-achiever version of your bondmate. And boy, did his holier-than-thou attitude rattle my chains for awhile.

But by the time this situation started, we had come to an understanding. Without really saying much, we agreed that if I began acting like a captain, he would stop criticising me for all the illogical things I did. With that truce, we had laid the groundwork for a friendship.  
So when I saw him stomping out of Sarek's house, I knew him well enough to realize he would suffer in silence if I didn't shove him toward somebody who could help him. Yeah, they're just as stubborn as we are. I figured that out a long time ago. So, in the interest of myself and our crew, I stepped into his path.

Luckily, Spock stopped in his tracks when he saw me. Seizing the chance to further our friendship, I asked where he was heading. He told me that he needed to go to the Hall of Elders to get help with some personal problem. I only learned from Uhura a bit later the details of said problem. She put it this way: 'If it wasn't for the fact that Spock couldn't bond with me, you wouldn't have had a chance.'

I didn't know how much Spock was hurting at the time, but I could tell *something* was wrong, so I did what I had begun doing about a month back when I had to calm my first officer. I disobeyed all rules of conduct with Vulcans, moved into his personal space, and patted him on the shoulder. Strangely enough, it usually worked to bring back that composure that he wears like a cloak.

This time, however, it caused sparks to fly between us. No, not literally, but it was close. My hand hurt after it touched his shoulder. It was very strange. My palm stung like a bitch but I wanted to put it back on his shoulder, immediately. Psychic energy can really screw with your head.

But since he was already going to get help for his problem, I didn't really have an excuse to keep him there. And I had my own responsibilities to contend with, namely, supervising the rest of the crew. So I let him go and headed towards McCoy, who was now standing outside the hospital.

Did I know what happened? Well, I wasn't completely in the dark, but I didn't realize the implications at the time. I had talked Savid earlier that day. I think he knew something about Spock's reactions to me, and that they might be more...violent than Savid's were to you. Maybe it was because of that mind meld we had when we first met...That is where I got my first look at you and your relationship with Savid. What? Oh, hell, I blocked it out, of course. Confronted with one Spock that loved me and one that hated me, what else could I do?

But by the day before you arrived, it was obvious that Spock and I were no longer enemies. According to Savid, our universe was continuing the 'corrections' to put us back on track with your universe.

Oh, that's his theory as to why I'm captain five years before you and why I have a 17-year-old Russian kid running around my bridge. Savid thinks all the correcting started when he arrived. No, I don't know why it took so long. Do I look like Spock to you?

Can we get back to the real subject? Okay. Savid thought I needed to know about Vulcan relationships, so he told me the rudimentary basics about how Vulcans marry. You filled in the rest when we took you to the conference room the next day. No, he didn't say anything about ponn farr. He just mentioned the bond.

At the time, I thought Savid saw Uhura with Spock and just wanted to warn me that they might be linked. So of course I didn't press your bondmate for more details, even though I probably should have. But I knew about the Vulcan taboo concerning talking about their relationships and Savid was so...awe-inspiring that I didn't feel the need to play with that rule.

But when I touched Spock that afternoon...well, my perceptions changed. I didn't know about your marriage yet, but I had this funny feeling in the pit of my stomach that my life was about to change, and that Savid knew what was going to happen.

The next time I ran into Spock, it was later that night and he was looking much more relaxed. I was having a drink with Scotty and Bones out in the volunteers' rest area when I spotted him walking towards us. We both know Spock isn't a socializer, so when he asked to play chess with me, I jumped on the chance. I really did want to be friends with him, and if he was making an attempt at it too, I was going to encourage him every chance I got. It would make life so much easier for all of us, and yeah, he was as intriguing as that nebula out by Amigosa.

So we played. None of the crew knew about my skills at chess, not even Bones. So it must have been Savid who clued him in. I didn't usually sit still long enough at the Academy for anyone to find out how good I was. But I had no problem sitting still for hours with him.

You can imagine what we talked about. By the look on your face, I'd say you had similar conversations hundreds of times. But that time was our first, the first time we let all the barriers between us fall, and it was powerful. I was so intrigued by my first officer that I could have stayed there until the Enterprise called us to beam up and retrieve the medical shipment from Delta IV.

But around 0500, Spock seemed to get restless. He looked like he had a big decision to make and he was struggling with it. Yeah, I know, that's exactly what was happening. Sometimes my accuracy surprises even me.

But I could see he didn't want to talk about it, at least not yet. So I feigned exhaustion and shooed him off to his meditation mat. When he left, I thought we were well on our way to being friends. There hadn't been a snarky word between us the whole time we were at the chess board. Trust me, that was an accomplishment. So I went to bed pretty content.

I felt so good about what was happening between us that I vowed to ask him about that vibe I could feel growing between us the next time we got a private moment together. I guess it was the bond trying to form, but it felt like we were two magnets attracting each other. It was distracting, and it was starting to scare me. The only person I had been really attached to up to that point was Bones. An attachment to Spock, in a way that involved psychic vibes, was enough to have me thinking of running back to Mom's house and hiding, even though it would mean going back to that asshole Frank.

You don't know about Frank? Trust me, you don't want to know. Let's just say Mom was lonely after Dad died, and her taste in men plummeted with his death. The guy made me wonder why anyone would want a long-term commitment if you had to put up with someone like him. He got under my skin so badly that part of me was very frightened that I could become him under the wrong circumstances.

Yeah, I know all about Dad and his nobility and sacrifice. Part of me did want that and what he had with Mom. The rest of me, though, knew I was so screwed up that nobody in their right mind would want me for more than a night. I had spent so much time before the Academy getting drunk in bars and getting my ass kicked because of my mouth that I figured to a woman, or to a Vulcan man who was eyeing me as a potential mate, I was bad news.

But I wasn't thinking about mates when I invited Spock to lunch the morning of your arrival. I couldn't figure out what was happening between us--friendship, sexual attraction...it could have been hate for all I knew. But I certainly was *not* thinking of having my brain hardwired to his.

The problem was that those hormone surges had already started by the time I asked him to meet me for lunch. If I hadn't been so busy hiding my head in the proverbial sand, I would have been able to link his reaction and the tension between us back to Savid's description of Vulcan marriage. Although I was worried about Spock--he so rarely takes a wrong step, let alone stumbles--I was too caught up in my own head to see what was happening to his.

Then you arrived. Most people would think your arrival in our universe would help me get my head out of my ass. Here I had a fine example--of myself--in a good relationship and retired from a successful career. It should have spurred me to clean up my act in a hurry.

But hell, we both know how logical humans are. Your appearance just seemed to encourage me to dig myself a deeper hole, and to start dragging Spock down into it.

-  
end part 1 


	2. Chapter 2

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Before you get all bent out of shape about what happened next, you need to understand one thing: although I had seen Savid's feelings for you when I melded with him, it wasn't until you were on that screen in front of me that I put it all together and realized the two of you were *married*.

It was quite a shock. Up to that point, friendship with my first officer still seemed a far-fetched possibility. Marriage? Not a chance.

But when Spock called you bondmates, I suddenly found possibilities whirling around my head, possibilities that heated my insides in ways that none of those academy girls ever did. And that scared the shit out of me. Why? Because this thing between me nd my first officer was moving faster than Scotty's engines.

We were barely friends and yet I could see the potential for forever in his eyes. Forever with one person seemed like a prison sentence to me at the time. I didn't know Dad. All I had known of 'forever' was Frank. Not exactly stellar material.

So when you beamed aboard and started talking about Spock having to choose between marriage and death, I acted stupidly and tried to get out of it.

It's not that I wasn't concerned for him. He *was* my first officer and a damned good teacher. What? I went straight from cadet to captain! I had to learn the ropes from someone. I watched every move Spock made for awhile. I only stopped when he asked me if I was trying to find a reason to transfer him.

Yeah, that's when we started concentrating on really making the command chain work. I owe Pike one for petitioning the higher-ups to give me time to get my act together. It took a month for the Spock and I to quit being afraid to let the other out of his sight. He was afraid I'd screw up. I was afraid he'd stab me in the back *when* I screwed up.

But by the time you and I had that talk in the briefing room, Spock and I had both settled down. I was finding that I liked the bastard. We had more in common then we had realized at first. So your pronouncement, your...ultimatum concerning Spock's fate chilled me.

The attraction between us had always been there in some form, I guess. But I had ignored it because I knew that I was in over my head when it came to my first officer. He was noble, selfless, competent...all the things my Dad had been, but seemed to elude me. To top it off, Spock seemed so cold most of the time. In fact, the only time he seemed to come out of that cold shell was when he was so angry that his father had to stop him from choking me to death. But despite all that, I seemed to find myself liking him too much.

My feelings about my first officer made me rather jumpy. So when you suggested that he would have to join with me...well, you saw how bad my reaction was. You had every right to call me a fool after Spock left the briefing room. Hell, if it wasn't for you and your swift kick to my backside, we would be having a very different conversation right now.

But my thoughts were focussed on myself when I replied, 'You've got to be kidding me! I'm supposed to let my body and mind be invaded because he broke up with his girlfriend?! Isn't this against regulations?'

Your expression told me you knew exactly what I thought about Starfleet regulations. 'You need to get your head on straight. This is his life on the line here!'

'If I do this, it'll change mine too!' Yeah, I know I sounded about five. I have no defense, other than my fears. 'Can't we find him someone else? Another Vulcan? A Deltan?'

Your glare would have made Klingons squeamish. 'There's a compatibility issue here. You'd see that if you got your head out of your ass long enough to notice. He's made his choice. You're lucky he was willing to talk about it. Savid said he had considered death if T'Pring--or I--hadn't come to the Kal-i-fee. Like your Spock, Savid knew who his real choice was. He just wasn't willing to admit it.

'Your Spock gave himself a fighting chance by telling you who he needs. And you reject his honesty like this? Take a good look at what you're doing here. Because I guarantee you will have his blood on your hands if you don't bond with him.'

Did you see my hands shaking after your tirade? You knew how to hit where it hurt the most, even though you were actually hitting on one of the things you never experienced. I guess it was that instinctive ability we have to size up a situation in an instant.

You hit on the one thing I blamed myself for, but could never fix: Dad's death. Frank always told me that if it wasn't for me, my dad would still be alive. I already had blood on my hands, at least in my mind. I didn't need any more.

'All right, all right! I'll do it.' I crossed my arms to try to hide my hands, but then my body started shaking, so I paced in front of you. 'What do I have to do?'

Your amusement had me seeing red for a moment, but I shook it off by the time you replied, 'The one thing we both know you're good at. Have sex with him.'

'He's a Vulcan. Given the secrecy they hide themselves behind at times, I wouldn't be surprised if they had...two sets of genitalia.' I tried to show that I had digested my IDIC lessons, but we both knew what I was thinking.

So I was relieved when you just laughed. 'They have a few anatomical differences, but they're minor. It's no different than adapting to...what was her name, the Orion?'

'Gallia.' I grinned. The fact that you had at least some of the same experiences I had allowed me to relax just a little.

You nodded. 'If you can handle her, this should be easy.'

I sighed as I paced some more. But I knew how to respond to a being who always had sex on her mind. My rather staid first officer...he was going to be a challenge. 'How rough will it be?'

'Treat him like a stallion going after a mare and you should be fine.'

I snorted. 'I've never thought of myself as a mare before.'

My sanity seemed to click back into place as I heard you chuckle. 'You'll be fine, kid. Just make sure you treat him with respect. Stop the bull you were trying to pull in here. This time troubles him enough as it is.'

I nodded thoughtfully. Given that this would take a few days, there were a few others things I needed to consider. 'What about other necessities? Food, drink, that sort of thing?'

'He knows to get enough for you for a few days. He won't be able to eat, but if you can get any water into him, it'll help his recovery afterwards. McCoy will thank you.'

'After he kills me for not telling him about this before it happens.' I ran my fingers through my hair.

'I'll handle him. You make sure Spock survives.'

I sighed as you stood and waved me out the door. I couldn't help but feel like I was walking to my doom as we traversed the few meters to the rec room.

As I stepped inside, Spock's eyes met mine. I swore I could see the madness in him, the drive that was making him lose control.

But I couldn't look away. His magnet was pulling at mine again. I had to apologize for the foolishness in the briefing room. So I tried to speak. 'I, uh...'

You interrupted me before I could think of anything to say. You brought my thoughts back to why I was there. And that shook me. Hell, that lock sliding into place sounded like a torpedo blast to me.

I found my composure after a few minutes of pacing. But I found I couldn't look Spock in the face as I apologized.

It only became easier as I realized he was just as nervous as I was. To make it easier for him, I sat on the exercise mat. I figured if I didn't look like I was commanding him, he'd be able to tell me what he needed.

Given the Vulcan attitude toward sex, though, I should have known he didn't have a clue. How could such a forward thinking race skip over sex-ed? At that moment, I was glad I was the one in that room with him. I didn't want him dying of ignorance.

So I took matters into my own hands and started our time together with the most effective motivator I knew: a kiss. He responded with enthusiasm, more enthusiasm than I thought he had in him. After that, I thought we were well on our way to taking care of this...until the bastard became demanding. Maybe it was those hormone surges, because he started getting snarky. He sounded like a human woman during PMS. So I backed off, quickly.

I let him analyze the situation. I figured it would help him calm down. But when his fears started popping up, I tried to listen. I should have listened better, but I was so caught up in the moment that all I could focus on was the part that he'd rather be dead than ruin the budding...whatever it was between us. So I reminded him that he needed to be alive for it to grow.

Then his biology took over.

I was ready to become passive when those hormones took him over. I had reasoned that it would hurt less that way. So you can imagine my shock as I found myself reaching for Spock and pulling at his clothes as if I was starved and he was a steak dinner. My head swam. It was as if his hormones were flowing through me.

You didn't have that reaction? What was different? Oh, right. Your bond was already in place. Spock said Savid had been pretty screwed up by the time you went to that ceremony. You missed a pretty wild ride when your bond just snapped into place like that.

I could feel his arousal as if it were my own. And it controlled both of us. The result was so hot that I didn't even bother trying to resist it. I just went with it. And I started to understand what the Vulcans mean when they say pon farr makes them burn.

I was surprised to find I wasn't ashes when we came up for air a few hours later. Yeah, he just stopped. He said he felt me get hungry. Yeah, I was kind of shocked myself. But it was nice. I got some water into him, like you requested, and we were able to talk for a bit while I took care of my needs.

And then a few minutes later, just like that, the switch flipped the other way and we were at it again.

Oh, no, nothing bad happened in that room. That's not why Spock came looking for you the day we came out of that room. It was me. I didn't know how to handle what happened. I couldn't deal with feeling him in my head like that.

No, he didn't hurt me through the bond. In fact, it was comforting in a way.

But I was afraid to let it stay there, because I was afraid he'd hate me again when he found out how screwed up I was.

-  
end part 2 ----------- 


	3. Chapter 3

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I didn't understanding what a Vulcan bond really was, not completely, until we left that rec room. Spock demonstrated his ability to read me through it a couple times while we were in there. He even told me he was glad to have me on a leash. But honestly, I didn't understand the change in myself and him, the 'we' instead of 'I', until we walked out the door and into Bones' sickbay. You could have told me about it until you turned blue. I wouldn't have, and didn't, understood a word until I felt those first Surak mantras, those complex equations appear in my head from a thought process other than mine.

I felt Spock in my head the whole time we were together in the rec room, but it was vague, unfocussed. Mostly what he did with the bond at that point was check on me. Every time we had come up for air, he made a show of telling me how many scratches he had put on my back. The bond didn't mean much to me then. It just seemed to complement the feeling of him plastered to my physical body.

But walking toward sickbay, I started to feel the bond in its entirety. It was a fragile thing, like an old-fashioned shoestring. But I could feel it growing, even as we entered the turbolift. It was branching, reaching into my memories, my thoughts, my soul. Although I could only feel Spock's side vaguely, I imagined the connection was also pulling his essence into itself. Soon, I was sure, there would be no privacy between us.

So I started poking at the bond as Bones came to the door to greet us. I couldn't help it. It was like scratching at an insect bite. But when I saw Spock flinch as he sat up on an exam table, I stopped. I didn't want to hurt him.

But I didn't want him in my head either.

I didn't say anything to Bones. I was too busy trying to figure out how to get my privacy back without hurting my new bondmate. Plus, I figured you had talked to him about it. You filled him in well enough about the other aspects of pon farr, if his blush was anything to go by.

So I saw no reason to embarrass Spock by bringing our mental condition up to McCoy. It wouldn't have helped the situation. There was nothing Bones could do.

I let McCoy push me around for the few minutes it took to heal the scratches Spock left on me. Then I hurried out of sickbay. Because even though I didn't like the feeling in my head, I found myself mentally reaching towards my first officer. I wanted to be with him. I wanted to drag him back to my quarters and just hold him.

For the guy who slept with half the cadets in Starfleet Academy, that is a terrifying thought. I don't cuddle. I don't do gentle. I take what I want and leave. But I couldn't leave Spock. It was physically impossible, given our positions on the ship. And it was becoming less likely by the minute that I'd be able to pull away from him mentally.

So I tried even harder to block him out of my head. That's easier said than done when he took up residence there. So, of course, like the fuck-up that I am, I ended up hurting him.

No, I didn't like doing that. I went through the whole mating ritual with him so he could remain with us, healthy...and whatever the Vulcan equivalent of 'happy' is. But when I realized what I had done, when I understood that he was becoming a part of me, I panicked.

He couldn't stay there in my mind, not if I wanted him to remain with me. I'd just drag him down with me when I came to my spectacular, or humiliating, end. And I knew it was coming. It was just a matter of time.

So I started pulling at the bond. No, I don't really know what I was trying to accomplish. I knew I couldn't pull him out of my head just by yanking on the rope that anchored us. I was just...reacting to his presence and to my fears.

But I couldn't stop my abuse, not even when he asked me to. I kept tugging and pulling, trying to hide from my mate, trying to dislodge the bond. But all I did was get on Spock's nerves. It didn't take long until I felt him flinch in pain again.

I had to stop then, at least for a moment. Because I felt his pain as if it were my own. But I was back at it a minute later. The bond was just too distracting. And it kept reminding me of what we had been doing the last four days. The bridge wasn't exactly the best place to indulge those memories.

Spock almost had to yell at me to get me to stop messing with the damned thing. When I realized how distrated I was, I pulled him aside and demanded he do something to give me some privacy.

So, yeah, he shielded it. It was a relief when I no longer felt Spock inside me. I finally felt like I had some breathing room. And Spock...well he said that the shield wouldn't hurt him, so I figured it was safer for him if he wasn't bombarded by all my illogical thoughts.

Of course, Spock was lying to me. And I was lying to myself. The shield had the potential to destroy everything. I didn't need Spock's genius to figure that out. All I needed to do was take a good look at his face when he slid the shield into place. And I still let him do it. Now do you see how fucked-up I was?

Yeah, I knew he ran to you when I told him to close the bond. He ran out of the turbolift and to your side as if Klingons were after him. Hell, I would have done the same thing in his shoes.

He did take your advice and tried to talk to me. But I couldn't, not in the mess hall. It was too public. And of course I was too scared.

Don't yell at me for giving him the cold shoulder! I thought a refusal would be easier for him to take when the bond was weak. Parts of it appeared, I don't know, transparent to me. I thought it might just break on its own and Spock could go about his business as usual without having to deal with me.

I did try to coax it along, I admit. My first attempt was when Spock checked on the bond when he was on the observation deck with you. I felt the bond open. I knew Spock was listening to me.

So that's when I chose to tell Bones that I felt bad for leading Spock on. Which I did, really. My judgment was bad, and I did some really asinine things during those couple days. You know, the ruse where you attempt to give them what they want when they're in front of you, but when their back is turned, you head for the hills. I know you've done it, too. I can see it on your face.

But I never wanted my first officer to get hurt by any of this. The reason I found myself in that situation was that I just couldn't handle the thought of Spock dying when I could save him. I'm glad I have that much of Dad's nobility. It's a shame that I somehow lost the rest.

All I did when I ignored Spock's questions, though, was make matters worse. Boy, did I screw up there. I refused to talk to him about the bond when he sought me out. I made a date with a female ensign. And yes, I deliberately put myself in a suggestive position with Prefect Kitan of Delta IV.

Kitan thought I was being naive. I think you know how Deltans are. They think we have the sexual intelligence of a flea. He didn't like that I was trying to break the bond by provoking Spock, but he loved the idea of getting a rise out of a Vulcan. What? People have been trying to do it since Archer met T'Pol. Hell, Bones has made a career of it!

Oh, afterwards I got a long lecture from the Prefect about relationships and how to correctly foster one, at least between Deltans. Too bad that didn't do me any good.

Nobody's advice seemed to be of much use, not Kitan's, not yours, not even McCoy's. And I was starting to come to the conclusion that if this 'infidelity' didn't result in the bond breaking, it could really hurt Spock.

Alright, alright, I admit it! I did have some idea that the bond's demise might cause serious problems for us, although I tried to ignore that voice in my head that sounded way too much like Bones.

But when beamed down to New Vulcan after Spock made sure you found Savid...Well, he looked like he lost his pet sehlat. Oh...he must have seen you two say your hellos. Well, he could see your bond was in great shape if he caught you two kissing. That must have hurt, especially when I had barely looked at him after we left the rec room.

I only saw him for a second before his father pulled me aside to discuss something. But what I saw should have been a warning sign. He looked...devastated.

I already knew Spock was stubborn enough to not ask for help when he needed it. But I should have studied Vulcan culture better before I bonded to him. Because I never considered suicide to be on the Vulcan list of 'logical' solutions to a problem.

-  
end part 3 


	4. Chapter 4

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Now, the whole thing didn't come crashing down overnight. I might have been in a better position if it had. I would have been able to blame something other than myself for what happened, even if it would have been a lie.

But Spock broke down like a Vulcan. In other words, he did it methodically. It started with small things. A missed chess game here, a forgotten lunch date there. At first, his mistakes seemed to relate directly to me, so I tried to give him a bit of space. If I was the cause of his problem, I figured getting out of his way would help solve it.

But then Bones started to notice differences in him too. These changes were harder to ignore. According to McCoy, Spock was acting very irritable. He was yelling at subordinates for things that he would have normally just pointed out a correction. It got to the point that Spock threatened an ensign with physical harm if she didn't vacate the rec room he wanted to use.

I could ignore our personal problems. I could handle animosity between us. Abuse of the crew was another matter. When he started taking his frustrations out on the others, I had to get involved. So I confronted him after dinner one night as we were on our way to the Ferengi homeworld to negotiate a loan of latinum for the Vulcan colony.

I called him to my quarters at around 1900. He came in stiffly, trying to avoid my gaze.

'Spock, we need to talk.' I said as non-threateningly as I could.

'About what, Captain?' he asked formally.

'Bones told me you seemed...bothered by something. He was concerned that you might be taking it out on the crew.' I tried to step as lightly as I could over his feelings by not accusing him directly. I might not have wanted to acknowledge that I had something to do with this, but I wasn't about to make it worse by stomping all over him.

'I apologize, Captain. I know which incident you are referring to. I assure you that it will not happen again.' His cold expression began to bother me. We had been making progress with our relationship. But that progress appeared to be gone now. I started to pace...out of guilt.

'Look, we both know things have been tough for you since...well, since things changed between us.'

I paused and waited for his nod, then continued. 'Maybe we need some time away from each other. You have some time you can take...we could drop you off in the colony, let you spend some time with your father.'

'That...that would be acceptable.' He said softly. In that moment, he seemed like his old self, except for one thing: I heard him stumble through that sentence. That simple problem should have been a red flag. He had never done that before while appearing calm.

But of course I was burying my head in the sand again. Humans are great at fooling themselves when they don't want to admit to something. I didn't want to admit I had caused the change in Spock.

So we dropped him off at the colony for his 'vacation'. Yeah, I know he never made it to Sarek's house. I found out when we came back later. By that time it was almost too late.

Looking back, I'm sure I would have figured it out earlier if I hadn't insisted on having the shield between us in the bond. If we would have used the bond, we probably would have fought like dogs marking their territory, but that's what a relationship is sometimes about. We needed to figure out what we could do together and what we were better off doing alone.

But I stopped that conversation before it even started. I forced him to take away the one thing that would have made me compromise. I stupidly thought that he'd be better off if he didn't have to deal with me.

I made excuses to myself about why he needed this break. And some of them were actually true. I could see the fatigue in him. Hell, we were all getting tired of the diplomatic bullshit. It was not a good time to be a Vulcan. You had to be willing to thank the people on the left for their gifts while pleading with the people on the right for things you still needed. Then you still had to find a currency to pay the group behind you so they stayed off your back. And while this was going on, each and every green-blooded being in the colony was trying to deal with a trauma none of the rest of us could really comprehend.

The colony had such underlying distress, but was in such denial about it, that even Ambassador Sarek was beginning to get short with people.

Oh, I know. Any of us would react in a similar way, but without the Vulcan restraint. By the time the Vulcans were showing signs of strain, we humans would have caused a war.

Part of me knew I was being an idiot when it came to Spock. I'm lucky I didn't drown in that sewer water I stuck my head in to hide from the truth. It was bad enough that the truth was about to bite me in the ass.

Somehow, that week of vacation I gave Spock turned into a month. Normally, that wouldn't have bothered me. He needed something to help him along. Hell, the guy just lost his planet. And then he found out that his bondmate...me...wasn't all he cracked up to be. So he needed a little more time. I would have been okay with that except for one thing: the looks Uhura started giving me.

I was beginning to get the feeling that she knew something I didn't about our missing crew member. So one day I pulled her aside, a bit roughly. I wanted to know whatever she did. Hell, if Spock didn't come back, I would have to admit to someone other than myself that I screwed up--again.

I got straight to the point. 'Where the hell is he?'

She tried denying any knowledge of his whereabouts at first, but when I wouldn't let it go, she sighed. 'He told me he was considering becoming one of the Kohlinar.'

I looked at her critically. I had heard of the Kohlinar. I had even seen a few leave town as they headed for the mountains. So I had some idea of what she meant. But I didn't let myself contemplate the result that she was suggesting: that Spock was leaving us. 'Those astetics? Well, that makes sense. He needs some time away from it all. It's been a rough couple of months.'

Your bondmate didn't tell me about the Kohlinar and their unemotional ways. If I would have known what happened to you two when Savid joined them...well, truthfully, I probably would have been completely insensitive and sent Spock to them a week earlier. I wanted the bond gone that badly.

Uhura glared at me. I think this whole situation pissed her off. I can't say I blamed her. I took her precious man and treated him like shit. 'He went there to try to deal with you and that bond of yours, you...' She growled softly in her throat. 'You *child*.'

I glared back at her. That was a little too insultive. 'I need my space. He knows that.'

'Didn't you see him when we left the colony? He was in pain!' With a huff of impatience, Uhura dragged me into a corner. 'I swear, if you don't quit hurting him, I'll find a way to make your life a living hell.'

'I'm not doing anything!' I growled. 'He told me shutting down the bond wouldn't hurt him.'

'He lied!' She looked ready to punch me.

'Vulcans don't lie!' I said without thinking, then flinched as I saw her pull back her hand.

But she restrained herself. Why, I don't know. 'You know better than that *Captain*.' She spat. But she didn't touch me. Sometimes I wish she had. I deserved to be beaten for what I had done.

We both stood there for a few minutes, just staring at each other. I sighed. We were both worried about him. It was time to come clean. So I held up my hands in surrender. 'We're headed back. I'll go look for him as soon as we're in orbit.'

It wasn't good enough for my communications officer. 'Try your head first. You are bonded to him.' Nyota turned on her heel and left. Damn, she knew where to dig all too well.

But I knew she was right. The best place to start looking for Spock was in my own head. So I headed to my cabin and laid down on my bunk.

I tried to find that spot in my mind that I had avoided for the last three months. It wasn't easy, the shield hid it well. But after a bit of searching, I found it.

I 'stood' in front of the bond then, looking at it. To my mind, it seemed...weak, fragile. A cloth string compared to the titanium cable I had seen in Savid's head. I touched it carefully, trying to figure out how to use it to get to Spock.

I could see the shield in the middle of the bond. It was a shimmering, transparent barrier that reminded me of a brig forcefield. I touched it gently. It didn't give, but I felt it warm to my hand.

'Spock?' I called uncertainly. 'Spock, are you there?'

At first, nothing happened. Then slowly, images began to filter through the bond.

I could see the mountains in his first projection, majestic and tall. But none of them were *his* mountain. None of them were Sileya. That mountain was gone with his planet and his mother. The thought made me sigh with remorse.

But I refocused my attention as other images started to come through the shield. I needed to pay attention to what my bondmate was trying to tell me. I owed him that much.

The next image I saw was a Vulcan in robes walking slowly up the mountain, his head bowed as if in prayer or meditation. One of the Kohlinar, I guessed.

Then, Spock's image reflected in a pool of water. He was wearing the same robes that the other Vulcan was. His expression looked strained to me. The vacation didn't seem to be doing him much good.

That image then changed, darkened. Suddenly it appeared as if he..I was kneeling in a cave. I could no longer see his face, but I could see a hand stretched out towards me...him? In the hand was some kind of beaded necklace. As I watched, the hand opened and the necklace fell to the dirt floor in front of me.

Then we were back at the pool. Spock's image shimmered up at me. He looked even worse than before, haggard and pale.

Then the last image came: pale green arms stretched out before me. In the hands attached to the arms was an ornate dagger, crusted with jewels. It was aimed toward my..*his* chest.

There was no more.

The last image must have broke the trance the bond had put me in, because once it entered my mind, I bolted up on my bunk with a gasp.

Oh God, no. I knew what that image meant: I really fucked up this time.

For a minute I couldn't think, I couldn't move. Then my instincts took over. I jumped off my bunk and ran out of my cabin.

I headed to the bridge at a dead run. All I could think of was that jewelled dagger as I ran out of the turbolift and to Chekov's station to see how close we were to New Vulcan.

My heart raced as I realized we were still an hour away. Damn.

So I did the only thing I could. I hoped, for all our sakes, that the image he had sent me wasn't of the present.

Because if it was, we were all fucked.

-  
end part 4 


	5. Chapter 5

----------

While I was impatiently waiting for Sulu to put the ship in orbit around New Vulcan, I did the one thing I should have done weeks earlier: I called Savid and told about Spock's pon farr and the weak bond that had grown between us.

I took the comm in my quarters because I couldn't face the recriminations from my crewmates, not yet. But I knew I had to face his. I had let the bond languish. I hadn't allowed the bond to send out those branches into our minds that it needed to strengthen itself.

Savid sighed as he listened to me. Looking back, I suppose he was remembering his misteps with you and your bond. But at the time all I could see was his anger with me. It was apparent in his eyes. He knew what was happening. He knew that I had destroyed the connection between me and my bondmate, and he was powerless to stop it from shattering completely.

I knew I couldn't beat around the bush with the old Vulcan, so I didn't even try to. 'I'm killing him.' I moaned softly at the screen. I had started getting physical symptoms of psychic stress about twenty minutes earlier. My hands trembled, my head ached. And I knew I wasn't imagining that I could actually feel the bond beginning to die. The branches that had made their way into my memories were beginning to wither.

I held onto what I could, trying to keep the bond with me, trying to keep Spock with me. But I could feel the bond starting to splinter. I yelled out loud in frustration. I was sure Spock was already dead. The weight of that thought dragged my heavy heart down upon my desk.

I could hear Savid tell Uhura to call for Bones, but I could barely raise my head. By this time my whole body was shaking and I was getting cold sweats. I shivered and clutched my side...the side where Spock's heart would have been.

A few minutes later, I felt McCoy shoot me with a stimulant. As soon as I could lift my head, I looked Savid straight in the eye.

'He is not dead yet.' Savid replied to my unspoken question, his eyes shining with empathy. 'But you do not have much time.'

'Where is he?!' I nearly shouted. I tried to stand up, to glare at the old Vulcan, but my knees wouldn't hold me up.

Bones pushed me down into my chair as Savid answered me. 'Jim...JT found him at the edge of the lake below Mount Surak. Jim is with your bondmate, but Spock is resisting aid.'

'For God's sake, why?!' I yelled. Christine Chapel hid behind McCoy as I reached towards the console with my fists. Bones pulled me back once again and this time he restrained my arms.

'Spock swore the t'zaled to you, the blood oath. He is determined to die to give you your freedom.' Savid sighed. 'I had advised him to not attempt to follow my path.'

I know you heard me swear a blue streak as Savid patched your comm unit into our conversation. 'How would his dying give me freedom?'

'It would break the bond.' Savid said softly as I heard you yell that I needed to beam down *now*. The bond was slipping through my mental fingers. I screamed again.

You yelled again, trying to get my attention. When I finally heard you, I broke free of McCoy's hold and ran to the transporter room with Chekov fast on my heels. For once I was glad Uhura was monitoring my conversations. If she would have called for Kyle in engineering, Spock would have been dead before my feet hit the lake shore.

I had Chekov beam me down as close to the lake as he could without putting me in it. As soon as I materialized, I could see you sitting on a small, flat embankment. A perfect place to kneel and gaze into the water if one was so inclined.

But the images that thought provoked were pushed aside by the one that brought me here. I could see that jewelled dagger at your feet. It brought a moan to my lips. When I looked up into your face, I could see your cheeks shimmering like emeralds. I knew of only one mixture that could cause that effect on human skin: copper-based blood mixed with water. Bile rose in my throat. I had to turn my head from you before I choked on it.

Running to your side felt like it took forever. It was made worse by the fact that I could feel a big crack starting to form the shield that had protected me from Spock's thoughts. I grabbed the barrier with my mental hands, holding it in place. That shield seemed to be the only thing keeping the bond between us.

I skidded on my knees as I approached the spot where you had Spock cradled in your arms.

'Is he..?' I gasped, not able to say those dreaded words, in case articulating them caused them to become reality.

You only had time to shake your head before Bones came running to us with his med equipment, but it was enough of a relief that it allowed me to take my next breath.

Bones didn't waste any time pushing us out of the way to get to his patient. But I was shocked when you pulled me up by my collar and thrust me onto the rock beside Spock's head.

'Sit there and for God's sake don't let go of the bond!' Your growl told me everything I needed to know. Spock could die if I lost my grip and allowed the bond to shatter.

So I held onto the shield between us as if it was my last link to my bondmate.

By the size of the cracks that were beginning to overtake the bond, I guessed it probably was.

-  
end part 5 


	6. Chapter 6

----------

I sat on that rock and gazed down into my bondmate's face for quite awhile. At first, it appeared serene to me, as if he had found some kind of peace in his choice to leave us. But when I studied it further, I began to see the signs of strain: yellow shadows under his eyes, an unnatural green flush to his cheeks. Signs that I had put there. I sighed.

My sigh made the shield inside our heads tremble. Not wanting to cause it any more strain, I froze. 'It's breaking. I can't stop it.' I whispered, hoping you could hear me. I was afraid to move or to speak any louder. If I did, I was sure the bond would crumble to dust.

'Does he know?' I heard Bones whisper. I looked up, startled, when he whispered it a second time.

'Does he know what?'

'That you actually give a shit whether he lives or dies.'

I shook my head. 'Probably not.' The truth hurt, but I needed to face it. I had turned away from Spock when he needed me. I had acted like a fool.

'This might be a good time to say it. You might not get another chance.' Bones caught my eye. I could see the worry on his face.

I shook my head, then looked past Bones as something caught my attention. Savid had arrived. I buried my face in my hands. I couldn't face my bondmate's older self. How the hell was I supposed to explain this disaster that I had created?

I nearly fell over in shock when, instead of berating me, the old Vulcan laid a gentle hand on my hair. 'Listen to McCoy,' he said softly. 'He knows more than even he is aware of.'

I looked up into that wizened face. A small smile greeted and comforted me. 'Was it this bad for you?'

'Worse.' Savid said gently. 'I had only McCoy's grandson to guide me when our bond began to fracture. Steven did what he could, but he was not privy to the information Leonard has.'

'In other words, Bones knows us too well to let us get away with any bullshit.' I looked to you. Your grin and nod toward me let me know I had a chance of getting through this...somehow.

As Bones was running most of his scans on Spock's chest and abdomen, I felt okay reaching out to touch his hair. I smoothed out the messed up silky locks into a more tidy order. It made me feel better to have Spock look more like...Spock.

'How is he?' I asked softly, afraid to raise my voice, afraid to disturb the peace surrounding Spock, that peace he so desperately needed.

'He lost a lot of blood,' Bones replied just as quietly. 'That dagger went straight into his heart. Luckily, JT was able to pull him into one of those damned healing trances by the time we got here. If he had lost any more blood, I'm not sure I could have done anything.'

I nodded, then shifted myself off the rock that you had perched me on on onto the dirt near Spock's head. 'Can I...' Looking to Bones, I motioned towards Spock's body.

McCoy nodded, and with your help, we were able to shift Spock so his head was laying on my thighs. 'Be careful. If he wakes up, don't let him make any sudden moves.' Bones said quietly as he took my place on the rock.

'Should we beam up instead?' I looked at your face, needing guidance. But Savid replied instead. 'Physically, he has begun to heal. But the two of you need time to repair the bond. This is best done in some semblance of solitude.'

I saw you put your hand on Bones' shoulder as he was about to get up. 'Not that much solitude. They'll need you to help them come back to reality.'

'What about you?' I raised my eyebrow in imitation of our better halves. Your chuckle pulled a grin from me. After the race down here, anything that let me relax a little was welcome.

'We'll make sure you get the space you need. Don't worry, we'll be nearby in case things get out of hand. But this is your bond, not ours. You two need to find your own way.'

I nodded with a sigh and watched the two of you walk towards a stone bench near the base of the mountain. I couldn't take my eyes off your joined hands until you had sat down. Dragging my gaze back to my lap, I realized I wanted what you had. But I had no idea how to get it.

Well, I might as well see what kind of shape the bond was in, I decided. I closed my eyes and reached towards that spot in my mind where the shield separated me from Spock.

The area looked like a war zone. As I looked around me, I could see pieces of the bond at my feet. They looked like shards of glass. I knew the bond was actually created from our combined mental energies, so I supposed those shards were just my mind's representations of the havoc I wrought.

Turning my attention to the shield, I gasped. It had been cracking badly while we tried to stabilize Spock, but now it looked like there was a fist-sized hole punched through it.

I wanted to call to Spock, but I wasn't sure it was a good idea. That healing trance had been the only thing holding him together, if the blood all over you had been any indication. I was reluctant to disturb it.

So instead, I tried an exercise one of my academy teachers had shown us as a way to have some control over psy phenomena, even without being psychic yourself. The last time I had used it, I had been trying to seduce a female Betazoid. But I tried not to think about that as I turned my attention to the being who had been willing to take a chance on me, despite my reputation.

I imagined a scene around me. Because the broken shield was the only thing connecting me to my bondmate, I made it the center of my image. Then, around it, I created sand under my feet, harsh sun shining in my face, winds whipping past me that were strong enough to strip skin off. In other words, I created an image of Vulcan. Of course that particular choice was meant to comfort the Vulcan that was present somewhere in my mind. I could only hope that it was enough.

When I finished creating my landscape, I carefully gathered up the shield in my 'hands' and moved it to the cave I created a small distance away. I expected carrying the shield would be easy, because its image in my mind had always been one of thin glass plating. But when I hefted it, it felt heavy and strangely, much softer than glass.

I blinked, and the shape of what I held in my hands changed. Instead of the cracked and broken shield, I now held an unconscious Spock in my arms. For a minute, I just gazed into his relaxed face and hoped I was doing the right thing. I was psy-null. I could screw this up badly without really knowing how I did it.

But my instincts said Spock needed me on this mental plane. If he didn't, his mind would have never let me create the meld. So, shifting to accomodate him, I cradled him in my arms. Carefully standing, I realized that if this were real space, I could not support my bondmate this way. But here, in this mental world, I could be, and was, the strong one.

I carried Spock into the cave that I had created. Once there, I sat down and shifted him to lie in my arms. For some time, I just held him. It was a new experience for me, giving comfort this way. In fact, I didn't normally comfort anyone. I had expected the people around me to just adapt, to ignore any problems. That was how I coped with the problems in my life. I just figured that was the way everyone handled them.

So suffice it to say, I didn't get to hold Spock during our days in the rec room. Or to be more correct, I guess you can say I didn't want to. That step felt too...intimate to me. It would have meant communicating feelings to Spock, and I hadn't been sure I wanted to communicate such things to an unemotional Vulcan.

But I had no qualms now. He had shown me his emotional depths and I found myself inadequate in comparison. Hell, I almost let him commit suicide rather than tell him I cared. I hadn't been much of a friend, let alone a good lover.

I couldn't make that mistake a second time. Not wanting to wake Spock, but needing to do something, I gently cradled him to my chest. 'I'm sorry, t'hy'la,' I said softly, trying the word out on my tongue. I felt awkward saying the word that others had told me was sacred to many Vulcans. I felt like I didn't deserve the honor of saying it.

I searched my mind for a word that suited what I wanted to convey. But this was an unfamiliar situation for me. I didn't know how to translate what I was feeling into Standard or any other language. It was easier to communicate using touch. So I laid my hand on my bondmate's cheek, letting his warm skin heat my hand.

Amazingly, as his heat seeped into me, I could hear the wind begin to whip outside our cave. I raised my head to look out and saw the sand swirling. For a moment I was frightened for our safety, but then I remembered where we were. We weren't actually on Vulcan. We were in a meld, a meld that I had initiated somehow. But I didn't cause the sandstorm that was beginning to grow before my eyes.

There was only one other possible culprit. He was unconscious in my arms, or so I thought.

Apparently not all of Spock was unaware. I watched with fascination as the whirling sand began to converge into a form. A rope began to emerge from the sand, a rope of green and red. Vulcan and human, blood to blood, soul to soul. I knew without being told that this was an offering from Spock's unconscious mind. I wouldn't get another chance to be a part of him.

So I put my mental representation of Spock down onto the dirt floor of the cave. As I did, it shattered. It startled me for a moment until I realized I had been holding the only part of the bond I knew had still existed: the shield. But Spock's mind chose to give me a second chance, so the shield was no longer necessary. I could hold so much more of my bondmate if I dared to ask him for it.

And I so wanted to. Knowing that Spock now had control of the things I saw and felt, I stepped out of the cave and back out into the Vulcan sunlight.

'I'm here, Spock! I'm here!' I shouted into the wind.

The reply, when it came, wasn't a voice. It was an action.

The rope that Spock had created lay at my feet, shining in the bright sun, at the same time human red and Vulcan green. I looked at it, trying to see where the ends of it were. Some instinct told me those ends were important.

I could see the end nearest me, but the other end seemed to vanish into the rock about a meter away. That shocked me at first, but somehow I knew that it was supposed to be there. Since this was a mental plane, the place the rope made its connection probably had some significance, but it was eluding me at the moment.

Then the rope began to move. Slowly at first, as I watched, it coiled around my feet. I smiled. Even though I couldn't see him, I could feel Spock's presence in the rope. 'Go ahead.' I said softly. 'I'm here for you.'

The rope moved faster now, coiling around my legs, my chest, my arms...until it had covered all of my body except my head. When the end of the rope faced me like it was a snake, I suddenly realized what the rope was. Spock was recreating the bond.

But apparently he was afraid to enter my mind a second time. The end of the rope faced me, hovering, but not touching my face.

After a few minutes of this, I began to grow frustrated. I wanted this. I wanted him. I had almost lost him to my own stupidity. I wasn't going to let that happen a second time.

'Spock, t'hy'la, please!' I yelled. 'I want to be with you. I want to know you. I can't do that if you won't let me be with you!'

As if deciding that I was worth the risk, the end of the rope rapidly aimed and attached itself to my forehead. I sighed in relief as I felt it begin to burrow into me once again, sending out those branches to gather my memories and feelings. I let it, and in reward, I was given a sense of peace and a growing feeling that Spock was with me in my mind.

The next thing I knew, I was opening my eyes to see my bondmate laying in my arms and watching me with a small smile.

-  
end part 6 


	7. Chapter 7

----------

'Spock.' I smiled down at my bondmate. 'How do you feel?' I made sure not to shift him much. I didn't want the bleeding to restart. But when I listened to that spot inside my head where he was, I didn't hear any signs of pain.

Score one for the home team. Boy, was I glad Bones knew how to work miracles.

Spock confirmed my assessment as he tried to sit up. 'I am recovering adequately, Captain.'

I wouldn't allow him to rise, not even if I wasn't worried about Bones looking over my shoulder. I pushed him back down onto my lap. 'You need rest, t'hy'la.'

Spock's eyes widened as he heard me use that honorific. 'Jim...' He tried to sit up again, probably to protest.

'You can say whatever you want, Spock. I shouldn't be using that word, I know. I don't deserve to...' I pushed him back onto my lap again. 'You can scold me, berate me, whatever. But stay down before your wound starts to bleed again! You need to stay still. We almost didn't get here on time...' I was rambling, but I couldn't seem to stop myself.

'It was not logical for you to come after me, Captain.' Spock protested. 'You should have let me die. I had become a burden to you.'

I shook my head. 'I was the burden, Spock. I was weighing you down. I didn't mean to hurt you like this. I just didn't...want you to hate me.' I sighed. 'I'm lousy at relationships. I should have told you that before I let JT drag us into that room.'

'I am aware of your reputation, Jim.' Spock replied, reaching up to brush my hair off my forehead. 'I was prepared to guide you in the Vulcan way.'

'But I didn't let you. I pushed you away instead.' I bowed my head, expecting to be scolded for my lack of insight.

But Spock surprised me yet again. 'Perhaps you were correct in doing so. The bond was not growing correctly. We were overburdening it. I...made a mistake that almost cost us everything.' He took my hand. 'I placed the bond upon another.'

'Another what? Another bond?' I stared at him as he nodded. 'What bond?!'

'The one that was created by our new friendship.' Spock caressed my hand gently. 'I should have used that bond as the foundation for the mating bond. I should have known we could be ni'var. The two that are one.'

'The rope...' I thought. 'That's why the rope has two parts.'

Spock nodded. 'I have attempted to compensate for the strength of our...desire for contact by weaving the two elements together, human and Vulcan. Friends and mates.' Spock examining my face carefully as he waited for my reaction.

'But I pushed you away...' I didn't understand. How did our friendship become a bond? Especially when I was acting like an idiot?

I quickly found that this new bond was already stronger than the first, even though it was brand new. Spock could hear my confusion very clearly. 'Have you forgotten our chess games?' Spock raised an eyebrow.

'Oh.' I blinked as I realized what he meant. Our discussions over the chessboard had started to bond us before the psychic link was created. 'No wonder it wasn't growing correctly. We had already covered the ground the mating bond was trying to pull from my head.'

'Precisely.' Spock smiled. It so transformed him that it had me growing hard in an instant. But I pushed my arousal to the back of my mind. He had almost died, for God's sake, I told myself. At least wait until he's recovered.

I sighed and thought about what he just told me. The weave meant we were equal participants in the bond. Psy-null or not, I could now control the bond as easily as Spock could.

Trying to figure out what to do with this new knowledge, I looked over at Bones, who had fallen asleep waiting for us to come out of the meld. Poor McCoy. The last few months had been as rough on him as it had for us. It's not everyday your best friend goes from trying to kill a person to trying to climb inside him. Normally I would have reprimanded him for being lax. He was supposed to be watching us. But when I looked toward you and Savid, I saw a glint of metal in Savid's hand. A hypo.

Your wink confirmed that McCoy's nap was no accident. Looking to the spot you pointed at, I grinned. I should have known you'd be monitoring us. I don't know how you slipped that tricorder under the rock without Bones seeing, but I'm glad you took the risk and put it there.

As for the message you left on it...you were right. Bones hadn't been getting enough sleep. None of us had since Spock's return to New Vulcan.

Because of the age difference between us, I sometimes forget that you are me...until you pull a trick like that.

By the way, I honestly appreciate the privacy that you gave us by knocking Bones out. But next time, warn me before you do that. I had to listen to him bitch about it for three days straight!

I chose not to tell Spock what you did, though. I wasn't sure he was ready to know why Bones actually needed that hypo. And then there was the problem of how to explain the concept of 'worrying oneself to death.  
'We should let him sleep. He's probably worn out from that heart attack you nearly gave him.' I looked around to see if we could move him someplace more comfortable, but since Spock and I seemed to occupy the only grassy patch around, I just shrugged and let him be.

'I did not wish to cause anyone distress.' Spock said quietly.

'I hate to tell you this, Spock, but you have been causing me distress since you left. And your death...would have completely destroyed me.' I laid my cheek against Spock's hair. 'Don't ever do that again. Please.'

Spock reached up to caress my cheek. 'I no longer have a reason to pursue that course of action.'

'Good.' I sighed in relief.

After a few minutes of just being with Spock, I decided it was time to bite the bullet and face our problems. 'So now what do we do?'

'We should discuss our future.'

I nodded, but I knew we weren't quite ready for the future yet. We needed to face the past and the present first.

I shifted a little and leaned Spock back against me. As I did, it felt like the bond shifted as well and fell exactly into the spot the old bond had been. The connection then sealed itself into place with a nearly audible 'snap'.

I heard Spock chuckle in my mind as the bond shifted into place. He sounded...relieved. Yeah, I was too. That snap reminded me of an old jigsaw puzzle and the sound the pieces made when you fit them together. It was a reassuring sound. But I didn't let Spock know that. I wanted to tease him a little.

'What?' I turned my head to smile at my bondmate.

'You are...happy?' He sounded hesitant, like he wasn't sure how to interpret the signals he was getting from me.

'Duh. Why wouldn't I be?' I was tempted to string him along and tell him I was only mildly amused, but I knew it wasn't a good idea. He misinterpreted my thoughts when the bond formed the first time, and he nearly paid for that mistake with his life.

'I do not understand your happiness, Jim. You did not want the bond earlier. Why should having it back make you happy?' Spock looked at me critically. For a moment, I felt like a bug under a microscope. It made me squirm.

'I'm sorry about that. It wasn't you. It was me. I...didn't want to hurt you because...well, because I'm a bit messed up.' I looked out into the lake. 'In fact, I hoped pulling away would make it easier on you.'

'It did not.' Spock accused softly, but without malice. In fact, his presence reached out to me, trying to reassure me that he was no longer angry.

I laid my arm across Spock's chest. 'Yeah. I figured that out.'

I smiled when Spock's hand traced the length of that arm. Before that moment, I didn't realize how much comfort you could get from a simple touch. And comfort is one thing we needed in spades. We laid there together quietly for what felt like a half-hour or so before we were startled by a figure coming toward us.

Damn, just when things were starting to look good for me, Sarek had to show up. And if I was reading that Vulcan face correctly, he was rather annoyed.

Now before I continue, you do need to know some things about our Sarek. Savid told me that he and his father had a rather..strained relationship. Spock was lucky in that regard. Although I would have never wished his mother's death on him in a million years, it did have one good result: her men started talking to each other.

So it was a shock to see the Ambassador look towards us with that I-know-better-than-you look that Vulcans do so well. But Spock must have been expecting trouble, because he stiffened in my arms. I tried to calm him through the bond, but as his father came closer, his agitation just seemed to grow.

'Spock? What?' I asked softly.

'I will not let him take you away from me.' Spock's voice was a low growl. His hand gripped the arm I had laid across his chest as if it were a shield to keep his father at bay.

'What?' I asked again in confusion.

'Sarek does not approve of my bond with you. You are male. An illogical choice, as I will be unable to produce children.' Spock sighed in frustration. I could tell he didn't want to fight with his father.

'What happened to that warrior bond that I saw in the database that Starfleet has?' I asked, letting him know that I had done some research. Spock learned rather quickly that when I research things, I am committed to using the information I find constructively.

Hey, even he had to admit my solution to the Kobayashi Maru was constructive. It was the reason Starfleet constructed safeguards against other people getting access to the program.

But in this case, the information I had found wasn't enough to get his father off our backs. 'That was long ago, Jim. And now, we are so few. Many people are saying that even the Kohlinar should give up their seclusion so our race can continue.'

'Dammit.' I sighed as Sarek continued heading towards us. 'Why can't you just...hand over some DNA?'

'Vulcans cannot become pregnant by insemination.' Spock replied softly.

Sarek moved even closer to us. I was starting to fume as I watched him walk past your bench. How could he accuse Spock of making an illogical choice when even I could see that this was what Spock *needed*?

I don't know how long our doctor had been awake at that point, but by looking at his face, I could tell he had heard Spock explain Sarek's reasoning. I'm glad he did, because if I had gotten up at that point, I probably would have went after Sarek with my fists.

Of course, McCoy probably knew that from the the set of my shoulders. So it was no surprise when he stood up before I could move. 'You two stay there,' he said quietly. 'Spock should stay off his feet for right now.'

My bondmate looked like he was ready to stand anyway, so I tightened the arm I had around him. 'Bones will talk to your father. He can handle it. He's a father himself.'

Spock nodded sympathetically. 'He misses his daughter. He does not often talk about her but when she is mentioned, he becomes rather solemn.'

'You noticed that too, huh?' I said softly as I watched McCoy intercept Sarek at the edge of the lake.

'I wish to speak to my son.' Sarek said, trying to walk around Bones.

But the good doctor suddenly got this rather snarky look on his face and wouldn't let the Ambassador past him. 'Spock is busy at the moment, sorry.'

'Doctor, please.' Sarek tried to walk around Bones.

'Not until you tell me why you would hurt your own son like this!' I could see the anger in McCoy's eyes. He thought Sarek's 'choice' for Spock was hypocritical, considering the fact that Sarek married a human. I couldn't agree more.

'I did nothing, Doctor.' Sarek raised an eyebrow.

'Of course not. That wouldn't be logical. Spock nearly *killed* himself because he didn't know how deal with a human *male* for a mate. But you couldn't advise him. Helping him would have meant accepting his choice!' Bones had to put his arms behind his back to keep from defending Spock with his fists.

Oh yeah, I'm continually amazed at the fierce loyalty Spock encourages just by being himself. Of course, Bones would never admit to that fact.

Sarek must have known he didnt have a leg to stand on because he suddenly looked very weary. For a moment, I could see the loving father underneath that stoic exterior. But in the next moment, the Ambassador became the voice of logic once more. 'Spock did not come to me, Doctor McCoy. If he had, I would have done my best to advise him.'

A human father would not have let a small thing like not being asked stop him from dispensing marriage advice, but Vulcans tend to avoid all discussion of the subject unless asked directly. So why didn't Spock seek Sarek's advice? Logic would dictate that even if Sarek disapproved of his choice of *male*, he would have at least been able to help Spock deal with the *human*. I prodded the bond in search of a reason for Spock's complete avoidance of his father.

'I knew I would not be able to do so without Sarek attempting to find a healer who would remove you from my mind completely. He then would have tried to bond me to a female. Although I was willing to give you your freedom, once I failed the Kohlinar, I was not willing to live free of your presence.' Spock told me softly.

I tried to surpress the shiver that his declaration caused, but Spock must have felt it. His hand tightened its grip on my arm, reminding me that I was able to get to him before he could act upon that choice.

Without being told, Bones seemed to pick up on that fact that Sarek thought Spock was neglecting his duty to his people. 'I heard from Uhura that you didn't want Spock marrying a man. She said that you planned to disown him for his choice of mates.'

Now, her knowledge of the situation was a newsflash to me. I made a mental note to start listening to my communications officer more often, especially after she's had contact with New Vulcan.

Sarek said nothing to Bones' accusation. But I could see the truth on his face. He would have disowned Spock for his 'illogical' decision if it wasn't for the fact that both Spock and I were considered heroes. Damn him.

In my anger, I accidentally tightened my arm around my bondmate until he grunted in pain. 'Sorry,' I whispered, but didn't let go. Spock needed comfort at that moment, not stress. I wasn't about to let Sarek finish the job that the damned dagger started.

Of course, Bones saw the condescending look on Sarek's face. And as I expected, it made him see red. 'You bastard!'

He wasn't the only one having trouble controlling his anger. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see that Savid had you by the collar. You looked like you wanted to choke Sarek. Oh, I'm sure I did too.

Surprisingly, Spock seemed to be the only one unaffected by the insult his father just gave him. I think the fact that I was holding him took the sting out of Sarek's words.

Bones, however, was not so easily mollified. 'He needed you!'

'He sought the Kohlinar.' Sarek countered. 'He did not seek my aid.'

'Because he knew you'd turn him away!' Bones reached for Sarek as if to shake him, but I saw Savid bat his hand away with a scowl. Damn, that old Vulcan could move fast when he wanted to.

Spock tried to hide his agreement with this statement, but without shielding the bond, he couldn't.

Just then, Sarek pushed past Bones and strode over to us. I glared up at the Ambassador, ready to defend myself and my mate.

Sarek's eyes bored through me, ready to defend the welfare of his people.

But Spock, my bondmate, stopped the fight before it began by saying one sentence.

'I love him, Father.'

-  
end part 7 


	8. Chapter 8

-----------

I wasn't expecting Spock's statement to freeze the Ambassador in his tracks. You saw the look on my face. Between his stumble and my shock, Sarek and I looked like a 20th century cartoon. If I wasn't so mad at the man, I would have laughed.

Sarek, on the other hand, was completely composed when he faced his son. 'Your mother...' He started but did not finish, as if expecting Spock to fill in the rest.

Which he did, but not in the way Sarek expected, by the look on his face. 'Would have understood my logic.' Spock finished the sentence rather smugly.

Spock began to feel a little too vulnerable lying on the ground under his father's calculating gaze. So I moved my arm to free him from my embtace. Still in a bit of pain from his self-inflicted injury, Spock sat up carefully with a hand over his side. When he seemed to have difficulty standing, I stood and eased him onto the rock that Bones had vacated. Placing a knee beside his hip, I took a protective stance, ready to shield my bondmate if Sarek became irrational.

Luckily, the Ambassador did not lose his composure when his son began to refute him. He just shifted his focus...to me.

'But does he love you?' Sarek asked, looking down his nose at his son. As if he was the only Vulcan to ever know anything about love. I seethed, but I bit my tongue and clenched my fists at my side because Spock was asking me through the bond to trust him. At that moment, I vowed to do as he asked...even if it killed me.

Sarek didn't seem to notice my restraint as he continued chastising Spock. 'I would be remiss if I allowed you...'

Luxkily, he didn't get a chance to finish. Because my fist was just about to remind him of a few things he *had* been remiss about...like checking up on his emotionally overburdened son *before* he stuck a dagger in his heart.

'It is not your choice, Father.' Spock said curtly as he struggled to his feet. I knew I wasn't going to be able to stop him...this was a matter of pride...so I put my hands at his waist discreetly in order to help keep him upright. It gave my hands something to do other than beat Sarek to a pulp...or punish myself for the same neglect I was accusing Sarek of. I had to remind myself that I wasn't guiltless, either. The bond, and the strong emotions that flowed throw it, made it easy to forget that a mere six hours ago, I had been sitting in the captain's chair of the Enterprise wondering what had happened to my first officer.

I knew I did the right thing in holding Spock up when he sent me a thank-you through the bond, then gently chided me for being hard on myself.

After Spock's rebuttal, Sarek seemed non-plussed for a minute, as if Spock had said something he couldn't fathom. 'I am your father.'

'And he is my mate.' Spock replied quietly. I didn't have to ask which of us was more important to him at the moment. The look on his face said it all.

It was amazing to see his face shine like that. It was almost painful to watch him in his joy. I always suspected that Spock might be the one to remind me how much of my bravado is an act. But I never expected him to do it while he was defending me to his father. My hands trembled slightly as I wondered how I could live up to the expectations Spock had for me. But again, my bondmate attempted to soothe me with a gentle wave through the bond.

'Logic dictates...' Sarek straightened into that stiff stance all Vulcans have when spouting Surak's views; well, okay, all Vulcans except Spock.

'Love is not logical. I will not attempt to constrain it so.' Spock couldn't straighten into a parade rest, you know, the one he tends to favor when he explains his logic, with my hands holding him up. So he chose another course of action, a much more intimate one. He pulled gently on my arms and wrapped them around his waist.

I stiffened a little at first, afraid that Sarek would see the display of affection as crude. But then Spock communicated his intent through the bond: he wanted to lean against me, and to hell with what his father thought. I nearly laughed out loud after I got over my shock of 'hearing' that from my oh-so-proper Vulcan.

Sarek watched us for a moment. Then, as if sensing he would get nowhere with Spock, Sarek looked to me. 'Do you love him?'

I sighed, not knowing how to answer that question. Sarek had every right to ask me if his son was in good hands. The problem was I didn't know how good these hands were. I only knew that I wanted to give the feelings between us a chance to grow. The best I could do was tell him the truth as I saw it.

'To be honest, sir, I don't know much about love. I could tell you that I love him more than anyone else, but I'm not sure what that would mean. As it stands right now, the only other people I've really loved up to now are my mother and my brother. I do know that I care for him, very much. His death would have devestated me in so many ways that I can't count them all. But his life...well, even though we haven't known each other very long, his life has enriched mine in a way I no longer want to do without. He challenges me to be better than I think I can be. And he supports me in ways I would never have guessed were possible. I want to do the same for him. Is that love?' I shrugged. 'I don't know. But I'm pretty sure that if what I feel for him now isn't love, it will be sooner or later.'

Sarek must have seen the honest feelings in my face, because rather than giving me the rebuttal I expected, he simply nodded and directed his next comment at his son. 'You have made a choice your mother would have approved of.'

Spock inclined his head. 'He pleases me and I please him.' He squeezed my hand slightly as if to tell me the worst was over.

He was right in that assessment. Sarek seemed to calm down almost immediately after Spock's words. 'Then I cannot fault your logic.' I was amazed to see a hint of a smile pass over Sarek's face. 'Take care of him well, James. He is my only son. I would not have him hurt again.'

'I will, sir.' I said softly. But inside I worried. Was I good enough for this being who was willing to risk his relationship with his father for me?

Sarek was finally content with Spock's choice and decided to let us continue with the bond in peace. So he nodded to all of us and left the way he came.

I heard Bones sigh with relief as he disappeared. 'You were lucky he didn't skin you alive.' Bones groused as I eased Spock back onto the rock next to us.

'In front of Elder Savid and his mate? Everyone knows Savid took a shine to Spock. Sarek wouldn't have embarassed himself by forcing Savid to defend us.' I pointed to where the two of you stood. You looked like like a proud papa when you turned to grin at us. Savid looked...content.

Bones, however, wasn't quite satisfied. He knew me too well. 'You talk like you weren't even a part of the discussion.' He examined my face, probably looking for signs of stress. 'You defended Spock well. You didn't need Savid.'

I shrugged. 'I didn't do anything. In fact, I almost made a mess of it. Hell, I couldn't even tell Sarek that I loved Spock!'

The calculating look that passed between Savid and Spock worried me for a moment. I wasn't sure of what it meant until Spock spoke. 'You will cease maligning my bondmate in this manner, Captain.' He was beginning to sound angry at me.

'But...' I looked at Spock in shock.

My bondmate scolded me, as he should have. Hell, my insecurities were part of what had gotten us into this mess. 'You said nothing that could be construed as inaccurate or offensive. You instead told Sarek your honest assessment of your mental condition.' His words turned softer, more soothing as he continued. 'Although you are reluctant to do so, I will speculate that what you feel is very similar to love.'

'And if you're wrong?' I asked worriedly. Part of me still thought Spock was getting a bad deal here.

Spock pointed to you and Savid as evidence against me. 'I am not wrong.'

I stared at the two of you as if seeing you for the first time. It was disconcerting to realize Spock was putting his trust in fate. If you succeeded, then so would we, in his mind. I hoped he was right. But I wasn't about to swear by that. But if he could trust like that, I at least needed to give it a fighting chance.

I turned to Spock with a sigh and leaned my forehead against his. 'I'll do my best to remember that. I can't guarantee that I won't get scared again.'

Spock gently ran a hand through my hair. 'We will deal with your fears together. You no longer have to face them alone.'

Now that the drama had ended, I suddenly felt exhausted. And I could see by the pale color of his face, that my bondmate felt the same.

'We should go someplace where you can get some rest,' I said, laying a hand on his shoulder. 'Where would you be most comfortable?'

I could see Bones wanting to speak, to dictate where his patient should be, but I waved my hand to keep him silent. Whereever Spock wanted to be...that's where I would take him. The only catch was that he wasn't going alone, but I figured he already knew that.

Spock looked into my eyes as he replied. 'Would I be allowed to return home, Captain?' His voice was hesitant, unsure. I wasn't the only one still dealing with fears.

I probed the bond gently...damn, you wouldn't think I had been frightened of our connection yesterday by my reliance on it. But then my whole life tilted on its axis within the past hour or so. I wasn't ready to question the changes in me, not yet. I needed to make sure Spock was well first.

What I found in Spock's head was encouraging. Home was an emotionally-charged word for my bondmate. I was surprised to find that to him, it did not mean Sarek's house, New Vulcan, or even Earth. Home was where he was accepted for what and who he was. Home was where he had unexpectedly found friends, and even more surprising to him, a husband. Home was the Enterprise.

In that assessment, I agreed completely. 'Of course you can come home, t'hy'la. But you do realize you will have to deal with a lot of emotional humans seeking you out over the next couple days. You scared the living hell out of all of us. The crew will need to see for themselves that you are okay.' I warned him about the crew in case he wasn't prepared. I knew his calm facade had shattered long before he had thrust that dagger into his side. I didn't want him to attempt emotional control before he was ready to. It might cause him to relapse into the despair that nearly destroyed us.

'Do not worry, Jim,' Spock said, feeling my distress. 'I will be prepared to reassure the crew...' He paused. 'If I may have a day or two before I am put on public display.'

I nodded and started to gather our equipment in preparation to leave.

Bones figured that now would be a good time to speak.

'I'll take you both of duty if you'd like,' he said to me then turned to Spock. 'But you are defintely not to return to duty for at least three days. I want to make sure your heart has recovered from the shock before I let you on the bridge.' His crass tone did very little to hide his concern for the welfare of our first officer.

So although I could feel that Spock wanted to protest, I stopped him from doing so. 'It'll be better for us to take a few days together. You need time to recover physically and we need the time to adjust to each other.'

'You do not need to...' Spock started, but I wouldn't let him finish his statement.

'I do need to. I'm not screwing this up a second time.' I sighed, then came over to put my arm around Spock. I could tell we both needed the physical contact. 'We can spend the next two days in our cabins, or in the rec rooms, or wandering the ship. But we will do it together, I promise you.'

Spock inclined his head. 'I too prefer to be together, but I did not want to force you to be with me.' He looked up at me with a question in his eyes.

I shook my head in answer to his question. He did nothing to coerce me. 'My choice. We need to start somewhere.'

So we said our goodbyes to you with smiles instead of tears. You will never know how much your rescuing him means to me...or maybe you do, I don't know. But I could thank you for the rest of my life and it wouldn't be enough.

So we started on the journey that would, I hoped, take us to a life very much like yours.

I probably should have asked you about your life with Savid before we left. Because on the first step of that journey, I ended up making the same stupid mistake you did.

I believed a Vulcan stream of misinformation. And because of that, I was ready to give up one of the greatest pleasures in my life in order to stay with Spock.

-  
end part 8 


	9. Chapter 9

----------

I can see on your face that you know out what happened. Yes, I fell for the Vulcan propaganda line. The only reason I'm not beating myself up about it is that it really wasn't my fault. I know the whole 'Vulcans can't lie' is a blatant lie itself, but damn, this one hurt one of their own. They should be ashamed. After this episode, I don't think I'll ever trust the Vulcan Science Academy again.

Yes, they actually put the words in that damned database. 'Vulcans mate every seven years.' I'm beginning to think a bunch of Vulcan mothers stuck that in there so their children wouldn't marry off-worlders. It almost worked on us.

How? Well, I was dumb enough to believe it. Hell, it was their database. It didn't occur to me they were hiding their true natures. Of course, I didn't have Spock looking over my shoulder at the time to explain exactly what those words meant. I had done the research alone to help me understand him. I was trying to avoid asking him embarrassing questions.

No, the things you implied during our discussion of pon farr must not have sunk in far enough. Or I really am as dense as everyone thinks I am.

I nearly blew it. What? Everything! I nearly blew everything because I believed one sentence in a distorted database!

I did it because I thought I needed to be considerate of Spock's physiology. Because of me, he had been through hell. I owed it to him to try things his way. I figured if he didn't need or want that part of a relationship, I could...find a way to do without.

That first day, it was easy. Because I needed to help Spock. I needed to get him back on his feet.

I spent a good part of the day helping him interact with the crew, who wanted to check on him, and running interference with Bones, who wanted to keep him in sickbay. And of course, I had to misreport the incident to Starfleet. That distracted me from my libido for awhile.

Things became more difficult when we finally ended up in his room later in the day.

Truthfully, through, when he first requested a change in sleeping arrangements, sex wasn't the first thing that popped into my head. Yeah, I know. I was shocked, too. But Spock was still so...fragile that I worried about other things.

We were sitting in his quarters playing chess when he brought it up.

As I let him, yes *let him* beat me for the first time in our time together (yes, he was that shaken), I found him attempting to catch my eye. I leaned forward as he struggled to find the right words. 'Would you consent to...sharing a bed with me tonight? I do not wish to impose on you, t'hy'la, but the bond still needs time to grow.'

I could see caution in his eyes, and worry. This wasn't the Spock I knew from before. Where the Spock I first met was confident and serene, this being was unsure of himself and anxious.

And it was my fault. Fuck.

Part of me knew that people don't recover from a suicide attempt in a heartbeat. Hell, for some, I was sure it took years. The sorrow that drives a person to that kind of desperation doesn't disappear easily. But the bond...the strength of the bond had pushed those thoughts aside when we had beamed back to the ship.

But even so, I made sure I was close to Spock when he wa s showered with the 'welcome backs' from just about every crew member we passed. Even though we had made it clear that Spock had been injured--to protect his privacy I said he had been attacked by an animal--there seemed to be a disappointed air among the bridge crew when I returned there to check in with them without him. They wanted him back where he belonged. Hell, so did I.

But as I watched Spock struggle with unfamiliar emotions, I now knew why Bones gave him those days off. It wasn't as much the injury to his flesh as it was the injury to his being that he needed time to recover from. I was just glad Bones found a credible excuse to keep me officially off duty as well--signs of Denebian flu--so I could help Spock start the healing process.

So when I sat in front of him and listened to him stumble over those words to me, to ask for something that as far as I'm concerned was his right, I found myself clenching my fists to keep me from punching a wall. 'You didn't want to impose?! God, I should have been the one you stabbed..'

'No!' Spock nearly yelled as he grabbed my arms. His reaction was fierce, like a lioness protecting her cub. It shocked me so much that I nearly fell off his desk chair. I wasn't used to being defended.

Ok, time to change the subject, Jimmy, I said to myself as I righted the chair. He already told you that he doesn't think of you as the problem here...

So I held up my hands and looked Spock straight in the eye. 'Ok, ok, I'll stop maligning your bondmate. It's just...did you really think I *wouldn't* want to be with you?'

Spock shook his head as he settled back into his chair. 'The ease of the new bond's creation proves that you wish to have contact with me. However, I was concerned for your privacy. I do not wish to intrude upon it.' He clasped his hands together as he examined my face. I think he needed to know that his request didn't offend me.

Taking a deep breath, I ran my hands through my hair and watched Spock watch me. He wouldn't understand my desire to attack myself. So I needed to calm down. But I wasn't doing a good job. My body shook as I tried to convince myself that I didn't need to stand in front of a firing squad for my crimes.

'Jim?' Spock reached toward me. As his hand touched my shoulder, the bond sent a questioning murmur to me.

'Sorry.' I sighed. 'I'm still angry at myself for what I did to you.'

Spock stood as he contemplated my reaction, then he turned my chair so he could kneel in front of me and take my hands in his. His warm skin did what I could not: it helped me push the guilt away and relax. He nodded approvingly as I squeezed his hands lightly. 'This self-punishment must cease, t'hy'la. Your feelings of guilt will not aid the bond's growth.'

'I know. I know. I'm trying to deal with my guilt. It would be easier if you didn't tiptoe around me I want privacy, I'll ask for it, ok?' I sat foward in the chair and coaxed Spock closer to me.

There's no need for that damned eyebrow. You don't do it as well as a Vulcan, anyway. I didn't plan to do that. I didn't! I just wanted to be able to touch his face and his hair. It had become a way to comfort both of us, one I didn't realize we picked up until that moment.

I barely registered that Spock was on his knees until his breath was blowing on my stomach.

No, I wasn't that stupid! I did the first thing I could think of that wouldn't offend Spock. I imagined a small shield and stuck it over the part of the bond that seemed to send physical signals between us.

Of course Spock noticed. 'Is something wrong?' he asked softly, hesitation in his eyes again. I didn't even need to look into the bond to know he was searching his mind for what he did wrong.

I rushed to reassure him. I didn't want him to think I was backing off again...So, of course, I lied. 'It was that damned cake Janice made for you. It tasted good, but I think all that sugar gave me a stomach ache. I didn't want to cause you any pain, so I...made the shield to protect you. Is it bothering you?'

'I would prefer you seek out Dr. McCoy and remedy the problem.' Spock said a little more firmly this time. I think my excuse worked. He knew how I struggled to not look weak to the crew. But it was his job to keep me on my feet, so he felt the need to argue with me.

I used his perception of my ego to my advantage...for his own good, or so I thought. 'I'd rather let it settle on its own. Bones' griping at me might make it worse.' I winked at my bondmate with a small smile.

Spock raised an eyebrow, but he didn't push the issue. I don't think he wanted me to leave the room anymore than I wanted to. But I did need him to move from that very tempting position, so I coaxed him over to the bed so we could sit side by side.

'Why don't we share your bed tonight?' I suggested, looking around at his artifacts from home...a home that no longer existed. This room was a haven for him, filled with memories of things he could no longer have. I wanted him to be here, to relax in this room he had made into his home. I wanted to give him all the comforts I could.

Spock agreed with a nod.

Although it wasn't very late, I could see the shadows under Spock's eyes, so I suggested we turn in.

Knowing I'd need a barrier between me and Spock, I went back to my cabin and found the set of pajamas that a girl named Carol gave me when I ended up taking a trip with her to her parents' place. What? You know who I'm talking about? Oh, I only went out with her a few times. She's stiffer and colder than Spock had ever been.

But I figured the outfit was a must, even if it did remind me of the ice princess. I needed something to keep my arousal under control. My only comfort was that I knew Spock wouldn't laugh at how I looked in the drab brown cotton. I just hoped that it was enough to keep me from doing something that Spock didn't want.

After a cursory glance in the mirror--I looked like I was trying to wear my grandfather's clothes--I headed back to Spock's room. Luckily he turned down the heat for me, or I would have roasted in that get-up.

Spock was also covered from head-to-toe when I got there. But his nightwear was Earth-sky-blue silk, a gift from his mother. Like his uniform tunic, it somehow highlighted his skin and gave it a healthy glow. Already, I felt my resolve being undone, just by the sight of him. That small, pleased smile he sent my way didn't help either.

My desire for my bondmate came back with a vengeance. I knew then that I was doomed to failure. I couldn't resist my attraction to him. It was like trying to resist the pull of gravity.

But I couldn't back out now, so I did the next best thing: I slipped into Spock's bed and under the covers, as fast as I could. He must have been more tired than I realized, because he didn't comment on my attempt at hiding my physical state. He just slipped into bed next to me.

Now I don't have much experience in bed that doesn't involve sex or sleeping alone. So I laid on my back and looked toward Spock, searching his face for a clue. What did he want me to do? I had some experience with cuddling, but only under duress. And I wasn't sure I wanted to think about the ones before Spock anyway. Yeah, it hadn't even been a full day since the bond reformed and I was talking in terms of 'before my bondmate'.

That revelation aside, I still didn't know what to do as I watched Spock settle into bed next to me. Thank God he took the decision out of my hands, or I might have stayed there all night frozen in my indecision.

He turned towards me and closed his eyes. Then he gently reached for me through the bond, and invited me into his mind. He wanted me to see the day's events through his eyes. I think he was hoping that he could help me get over my guilt that way.

We actually ended up helping each other. Yeah, I know. That's the way a relationship is supposed to work. I consider that night my first lesson.

As soon as i entered Spock's mind, I was bombarded by his emotions. He had been through hell and back that day, so the amount and intensity of them were considerable. I could see just by looking around that he didn't know how to handle them. They were too numerous and too intense for even a well-trained Vulcan to tame into logical order. But humans...we're so used to dealing with internal conflicts that I was starting to help him classify them even before I knew what I was doing. I could feel his relief the minute I picked up the slack.

Unfortunately for him, his problems made me feel even more guilty. But I pushed my feelings aside for a time so I could concentrate on his.

To help him identify them and put them in that mental box of his, I let all of his feelings flow into me. It was like feeling the waves at the edge of the shore. They rock you a bit, but you know by the time they get to you, most of the power behind them is gone.

The only thing impeding his feelings was that small shield I had placed in the bond to hide my arousal. And the shield was so small that the feelings just flowed around it.

So I let it there and focussed on helping Spock sort through his turmoil. Now I'm no psychiatrist, but I think I did a lot for him just by being there, just by holding his hand both mentally and physically (though I don't remember when I physically grabbed for his hand). I watched him as he examined each emotion, accepted it and put it in the box. The only one I didn't let him do that with was his joy. I wanted him to feel happy for a time, even if he could only express it when we were alone together.

After a couple hours of dealing with his reactions, we fell asleep curled around each other. I don't know how we ended up that way. In fact, I don't even remember coming out of the bond before drifting off. Is it possible to fall asleep during a meld?

I only knew we had reached for each other when I woke up the next morning and had to move away quickly before Spock woke up and misinterpreted my morning hard-on.

Ok, It wouldn't have been a misinterpretation. I did want him. But I figured he didn't want me, not physically at least.

And *my* misinterpretation was the one that nearly stopped the healing between us, the reconciliation we had barely started.

-  
end part 9 


	10. Chapter 10

-----------

This fight between my conscience and my libido went on for about two Earth weeks. In that time, I slept in Spock's bed every night. Yes, in those stupid pajamas. And every morning, I pulled myself out of his arms before I acted out the dreams that had me biting my lip to keep from waking him.

It was well worth the trouble. Every day, he seemed a little more like his normal self. Hell, by the end of those two weeks, only those of us who knew what happened could see the lingering effects. I figured within a month or two, he'd be completely healed, physically and mentally.

I was another matter. By that two week mark, I had begun to suffer from my self-imposed abstinence. As I said, my dreams haunted me. My subconscious was reaching out to him at every opportunity. To keep it from taking over, I spent many of our nights together awake. Why was it so bad? Well, I had actually not been with anyone since Spock's pon farr. It should come to no surprise to you that I'm not used to doing without sex. My abstinence made me jumpy, irritable...a real joy to be around.

Hell, I was so rattled that I had to leave the bridge three times on the day it all came crashing down. Yeah, I know that's a bad move for a commanding officer. But it's better than what I would have done if I had stayed.

The first time I left, it was because I almost yelled at Uhura when she had trouble establishing communications with the Starfleet station we were passing. It wasn't her fault. There was a political ruckus going on in there. I heard later that some diplomat tried to commandeer the station.

The second time, Scotty was having trouble with the engines. One of the crystals cracked long before it was due to. Of course, I couldn't ream his hide for something that was probably the fault of an incompetent clerk back on Earth. So again, I had to head for the turbolift.

The third time, well, that was the clincher. I nearly yelled at Spock. Oh, because the yeoman he assigned to keep track of the donations we had for New Vulcan screwed up. She nearly threw out the medical vials because she couldn't translate the Romulan correctly. She thought the box said 'poison'.

The minute I found myself clenching my fists and contemplating using my first officer for a punching bag, I headed for the observation deck at a dead run. The assignment wasn't even his mistake. If I remember correctly, Sulu was the one who said she was good with languages.

But Yeoman Banyar's incompetence wasn't what was bothering me as I ran down there. It was the fact that Spock had been alone in the cargo bay with her. My bondmate had been alone with an attractive young woman. One who, a few months ago, I probably would have invited to my bed.

In a matter of minutes, I had gone from being mad at what could have been a costly error to being insanely jealous of the girl, with the emphasis on the *insane* part. I thanked the stars that I had enough brains to get off the bridge before I took my emotions out on somebody. If the crew saw what was going on in my head, they'd never trust me again.

But I forgot that one member of the bridge crew *could* see into my head. No, we hadn't shielded our private thoughts in those two weeks. Other than the shield keeping my sexual arousal from him, there was no barrier between us. We just...ignored the bond unless one of us deliberately sought the other's attention. I didn't really keep track of Spock's thoughts, even though part of my mind 'heard' them. I figured he was handling my thoughts the same way.

I was wrong.

Spock strode into the observation deck about five minutes after I did. For once, he didn't even attempt to hide behind his mask of logic. I could read his emotions plain as day on his face. He was most definitely pissed at me.

'I do not deserve that accusation.' Spock growled as he approached me, his fists clenched at his sides. 'I would not betray your trust so thoughtlessly.'

Still irritated by my own problems, I snapped back at him without thinking. 'So, you'd wait until you had a plan to betray me?!'

Ever in control, my bondmate stalked me until I backed up against a window. 'That type of betrayal is part of *your* repertoire, not mine, Captain.'

When Spock growled in my face, I finally gave into the irritation that had dogged me all day. I took a swing at him. But Vulcan reflexes are too quick for humans to fight against. He grabbed my arm and threw me away from him before my fist made it anywhere near his face.

Well, of course, all he did was make me madder. How dare he insult me that way?! I threw a few more punches to try to make my point, but all of them were blocked by that pointed-eared bastard. Instead of punishing him for a crime he didn't commit, I soon found myself trapped between a window and a hot Vulcan body.

'Why are you doing this to us, Jim?!' Spock growled. 'Why do you deny us the release you need?' As his gravelly tone hit my ear, he spun us around and lowered me to the floor, again restraining me with his own weight. I stared up at him in surprise. It never occurred to me that he'd use the bond to find out why I was keeping that tiny shield in place. But I guess he couldn't find the reason behind my abstinence. Hell, my head is a mess at the best of time. He probably got lost in it.

With his hot, hard body bombarding my senses, it took a few minutes until I could form a coherent answer. 'You don't need me,' I choked out, trying to keep my body from straining up into his. But I was fighting a losing battle and I knew it. My arms came up and around him even as I tried to resist his unconscious seduction.

Or maybe it wasn't unconscious. At my words, his body shifted, tensed, and lost just a little of the power it had over me. 'You are my mate. How could I not need you?' Spock's face slowly went from fiercely angry to puzzled as he realized I believed what I was saying.

Even though Spock was no longer trying to push me to the edge, I was still lost in the heated reactions he had caused, so my reply was more honest than I intended. 'It's not time for your pon farr. The fire inside me can't reach you...' Part of me knew I sounded delirious, but I was beyond caring.

Luckily for me, Spock did care. 'That is not true. Who told you this falsehood?' I could feel him probing the bond for an answer, but my thoughts must have been too jumbled for him to make heads or tails of them. So he shook me lightly. 'Jim, who told you this lie?!'

'The database.' I groaned as the movement had his thigh sliding against my cock. 'The VSA database.' My body trembled as I tried to get the words out.

Then suddenly, the heat left me. I watched in mute shock as Spock smoothly rolled off me and stood up. Without sparing me a glance, he strode to the computer in the corner.

If I hadn't let my consideration of Spock's needs keep me from taking matters into my own hands over the past couple weeks, I probably would have chased after him. But because he had needed the bond open to help his recovery, I had decided I could be completely celibate until he was better. So now, I was so aroused that it would take me a few minutes until I could get my body to change gears and start responding to my commands again. So I ended up just laying there as Spock checked the database.

I was even more shocked when I heard him swear. 'Lunikkh ta-vik!'

I had no clue what the term meant, but from his tone, I could tell he didn't like what he found on that console. But he seemed to take it in stride. After taking a minute to calm down, he turned toward me and commanded the ship's computer to lock the door to the deck. His voice was calm, but I could hear a determined clip to it.

Still not able to get my body to do what I wanted, I struggled to a sitting position. 'Spock?' I looked up at him and I knew my desperation was reflected in my eyes. I needed him, badly.

Spock knew it too. That became plain to me as he started undressing in front of me. 'Whomever created that entry in the database does not have a proper understanding of Standard. It should read 'Vulcans can only procreate every seven years.'' He paused after taking off his tunic to give me a stern look. 'I appreciate the care you were showing me by choosing to be sexually abstinent, but it is unnecessary. Further, it has become harmful to you.'

My mouth fell open as he let his pants drop. I could only hope I didn't look like a complete fool as he continued his tirade. 'I will not allow this to continue. Your health and well-being are as important to me as my own. What will convince you of this? I grow weary of fighting you in order to care for you,' Spock said with a hint of exasperation. 'You are not the 'fuck-up' you so vehemently accuse yourself of being. You are the respected captain of this ship and you are my husband.'

I tried to answer him, to protest that he was bound to be disappointed by me sooner or later. But I couldn't get the words out. It's just as well, because Spock didn't seem to want my argument. To make his point, he bent down to cover my lips with his own.

As my body began to respond to his attention, Spock laid down next to me and gently started stripping me. 'You are loved, t'hy'la. You no longer have to fight your own demons. As you have helped me battle mine these past days, I will help you defeat yours.'

Somewhere in my twisted mind, Spock's words drove me to remember Frank. Frank and his fucking opinions. A lot of my insecurities centered around the harsh words he threw at me when he found out I had joined Starfleet.

'What did you do that for?' he had asked in a derisive tone. 'All you're going to do there is screw up a good thing.'

Part of me was afraid that his words were prophetic. At that moment, I was convinced I would screw up this good thing...or that I already had. My arousal started to plummet. Thoughts of Frank always do that to me. But then Spock shifted under me and my body instantly went hot once again.

'You did not,' Spock said sharply, reading my thoughts through the bond. 'You showed me the depth of your regard for me.'

'Huh?' I tried to shake myself out of my aroused state for a minute so I could focus on Spock's words.

Then, as if he knew I needed it, my bondmate gave me something to hang onto and to keep me from falling into my own guilt. 'You showed me your love.'

Suddenly, my world righted itself. He knew. He knew I loved him. I hadn't even admitted it to myself yet, but he had figured out what this whole fiasco was about. And he treasured the revelation. I could feel his joy through the bond.

I let out the breath I had been holding. As it rushed out of me, it sounded like a sob.

Spock must have heard it, because he ran a hand down my back before kissing me again. Then he tapped gently on that small barrier still between us. 'Remove the shield hiding your responses from me, t'hy'la. Please. I wish to feel the fire that you spoke of.' This was whispered in my ear.

'It's weak compared to yours.' I replied, feeling a little worried. Pon farr is such an overwhelming event that just about everything pales in comparison.

Spock cradled my face in his hands so he could stop me from turning away. 'Do not compare what you feel to my time. That is a drive I cannot control, that I *want* to control because of the dangers inherent in it. Your fire, however, is safe, and yet it is very powerful. Even with the shield up, I can feel the emotions that created it.' He kissed my forehead gently. 'I am humbled by the devotion and caring that I have inspired in you.'

He shook his head as he thought about what we had become. 'I had always wondered how my parents' relationship survived. To Vulcan eyes, it appeared grossly unequal.' He kissed me again, this time on the lips. I could tell he was trying to draw my arousal completely to the surface. 'I no longer wonder.'

Even though I now knew he wanted the same things I did, I still found myself hesitating. The comment about his parents worried me. I didn't want this part of our relationship to be one-sided. After feeling the emotions inside him, I wasn't convinced what I felt would ever be enough for him.

But yet again, my musings began to make my bondmate angry. 'I will be forced to use Dr. McCoy's epithets if you do not cease this nonsense.' Spock growled as he pulled my hips down to collide with his own. 'Is this the proof you seek?'

My leg bumped against his arousal...his very solid arousal. I groaned as he pulled me into the bond, trying to get me to let go of that barrier between us. And he didn't play fair. My passionate Vulcan sent caressing waves through the bond as his hands roamed my physical body. Within minutes, I was so aroused by his attention that I would have stood on my head to make sure he didn't stop.

Then I realized I couldn't feel Spock's arousal through the bond with the shield between us. So now it became a major annoyance. I ripped the damned thing away just as his mouth devoured mine.

And the result of that small adjustment? God, I never had sex like that before, not even during Spock's pon farr.

As soon as the shield disappeared, we were caught in a constant feedback loop. My arousal fed his, his touches had me searching for those same spots on him, to give him the same pleasure. And the bond...God, I felt like I was drowning in Spock's joy, and I *never* wanted to come up for air.

For the first time in my life, I was actually disappointed when my body couldn't take anymore. The orgasm paled next to the sensations and emotions that caused it. But I wasn't Vulcan. I couldn't sustain that kind of intensity for very long.

Not that Spock looked displeased. In fact, when we finally let ourselves rest, I saw that he was a bit winded by the experience. And his rather dazed expression made me laugh. 'You were the one who was sure this would be better than last time.'

'Ah, but you exceeded my expectations. In fact, you have been the source of much of my amazement since you boarded this ship.' Spock let his mouth lift in a small smile.

I grinned back. 'I hope I can keep that up for the rest of my life.'

'I have no doubt that you will, t'hy'la. For I know that I have become the consort of a man destined to be a legend.'

'So have I.' I caressed the point of Spock's ear. 'So have I. And I'm already completely amazed by you.'

Of course, we continued amazing each other for the rest of that afternoon right there on the observation deck. Scotty forgave me for the unexpected conn duty after he saw our faces later that day. It was obvious to everyone on the bridge what had happened.

How did they figure it out so easily? I couldn't keep that damned goofy grin off my face. It's just as well, I suppose, because then we didn't have to sneak around and try to hide what we were to each other.

Hell, it worked in our favor a couple times. Nobody thought anything about us standing a little too close together. So we used that fact when we had to pass things between us that weren't meant to be seen--usually by the admiralty.

Yeah, they're not exactly our best friends, either. Starfleet Command wasn't too thrilled to find out it had a bonded couple as the heads of its precious flagship. All the higher-ups were pissed, except for Archer. He seemed rather tickled by the whole thing. Scotty said that was because he had dated T'Pol. After seeing you and feeling the changes in me that come with a Vulcan bond, I don't believe it. The rumors about her and Trip Tucker, however...

Okay, okay, yeah, I'd rather not think about it either. From what I heard, that Vulcan was as cold as ice. So, back to what I was saying. The higher-ups weren't too happy. But they couldn't do anything about it, not without losing about 400 people. Oh, yeah. The whole crew threatened to quit if we were removed from the Enterprise.

It was hilarious...and a bit frightening. Bones and Nyota were ready to lead the revolt if Command didn't come to its senses. I wouldn't put it past those two to blow up the Golden Gate Bridge to make their point...

Luckily for the citizens of San Francisco, though, Komack and the others saw reason. Especially after Sarek came down upon their heads.

I'm not kidding! Have you ever seen a Vulcan 'storm a castle'? You don't want to get in his way, trust me.

In any other story, I guess this is the point where they'd say 'and they lived happily ever after.' But you know how our lives work. A more appropriate ending would probably be 'and the adventure continues.'

So how about we start our next adventure over lunch? I was just poked. Spock's heading over to the Hall of Elders and wants me to meet him there.

You were summoned for lunch too? One of them must have seen us talking together.

Yeah, I think they're trading notes about us. I can hear Spock asking Savid about how to deal with me when I get stubborn. Why? Because I refused to let him 'take care of my needs' yesterday. He broke a couple of ribs rescuing people from a mudslide on Deneb III. No, I wouldn't even let him pleasure me through the bond. I have a habit of grabbing him when the feelings in the bond get too intense. I was afraid Bones would read me the riot act if he found out I had undone his work.

Now why didn't I think of that? Tying him to the bed would definitely keep him from reinjuring himself....

Do you mind if I stop by the next time we're here? You're the reason we're having this conversation, you know. I needed that kick in the head when Spock was going through pon farr. I'd be glad to hear any other advice you might have for us.

Thanks. Yeah, I'll make sure I comm first. I'd rather see *my* Vulcan naked. You can have yours all to yourself.

Yeah, you're right, we'd better get going. They probably won't eat a thing until we get there. Savid monitors your eating habits, too? Then let's hurry up. We wouldn't want them to worry about us starving to death.

Oh, I don't care if he uses the bond to keep track of me. I wouldn't close it now unless it was to protect him.

Yes, he knows I would do just about anything to keep him safe. I've learned to quit hiding my feelings behind my attitude. Oh, he's been a very good teacher. Odd, isn't it, given the fact that he hides his emotions from everyone else?

It all comes back to the bond. That connection in our heads constantly reminds me of my place in the universe. It helps me remember I am not alone and that I am loved. Given my past, I'll probably need to be reminded for the rest of my life.

You know, the Vulcans forgot one definition when they created the term t'hy'la. Spock is definitely my lover, my brother, and my friend. But it's the one they forgot that means the most to me.

He is my life.

-  
end part 10, story, and series -------------------------------

Note: In Vulcan, lunikkh ta-vik means poisoner of wells. 


End file.
